


Sono Egao Mamoru (To protect that smile)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Confessions, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Secret Relationship, Tension, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 11:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Oh, come on Yuuyan! You know he’s never seen you as just a friend!”





	Sono Egao Mamoru (To protect that smile)

 

_Tokei no hari tometa futari wa_

_-The clockhands have stopped for us –_

[Time, Hey!Say! JUMP]

 

Yuya was tense.

It happened often lately for him to feel nervous, without any apparent reason.

Or at least, that’s what he liked to think.

He had just woken up, and feeling like that first thing in the morning boded no good.

He turned to the other side of the bed, looking at Hikaru next to him, still sleeping deeply, his mouth half open and his breathing heavy.

He smiled.

Looking at his boyfriend sleeping next to him relaxed him, somehow. It didn’t make him feel entirely good, but it made that feeling take a step back, as if there were more important things to think about.

As if he could forget that, even though indirectly, Hikaru was part of the problem.

They hadn't been together long; a little over two months, and they had managed to be discreet enough to let only the people closest to them know.

Yuya was proud of himself, because if first instinct would’ve normally been to shout it from the rooftops; he was the kind of person who liked to share the good stuff happening to him, and lucky for him Hikaru he had been rational enough to make him see how much they were risking to be too open.

Kei knew. So did Daiki and Yabu. And no one else.

It had been because of the latter that Takaki had started feeling uncomfortable, nervous... anxious.

Last week he had had lunch with Kota, and the elder had brought up a subject he hadn't liked at all.

_“You didn’t tell Chinen yet?”_

Yuya remembered he had arched an eyebrow, confused by the question.

Yes, he and Yuri were friends. They went out together, and the relationship had kept growing as Yuri became older, Yuya unable to see him as a kid to look after anymore.

But he hadn't understood the reason of Yabu’s concern, not right away.

He had asked, and he hadn't liked the answer.

At all.

_“Oh, come on Yuuyan! You know he’s never seen you as just a friend!”_

He hadn't believed him then.

He wasn’t convinced even now.

He had protested, he had told Yabu he was crazy and that Chinen saw nothing else in him but someone with whom to spend his time, but the elder hadn't changed his mind, and had been so firm to make him doubt.

He had been thinking about it incessantly for a week, but he hadn't found a solution.

He had thought about each and every moment he and Chinen had spent together, but he was clueless.

Yes, he couldn’t deny that the younger was particularly attached to him. He called often when they didn’t have to meet at work, and when they were with all the others he always went to Yuya, searching that physical contact he seemed to needed so much; but Yuya had always ascribed it to his need for affection, no matter from whom it came, not because...

No. He refused to even think that Yuri might feel something for him.

He sighed and sat up, turning toward Hikaru when he heard him move, sign he was going to be awake soon.

He was going to talk to him about it.

And Hikaru was going to tell him that Yabu saw things that weren’t there, even when they weren’t rational.

And then, as a final proof, he was going to talk about it with Chinen.

He had never wanted to be right so bad in his life.

 

~

 

“Of course he feels something for you.” Hikaru raised his eyes from the tamagoyaki he had been contemplating until now, and amused look on his face.

Yuya hadn't eaten anything. He felt something weird in his stomach, and he stared at the breakfast unable to bring himself to eat.

He had asked Hikaru about what Kota had told him, and his answer definitely wasn’t helping.

“What does it mean, Hikka? He can't feel anything for me, he’s... he’s young!” he said, showing all his indignation.

Yaotome sighed, putting the chopsticks down next to the plate and focusing on his boyfriend.

“He’s _not_ young, Yuuyan. He’s eighteen and you’re twenty-one. It’s not such a huge gap, is it?” he pointed out, eloquently.

Takaki fidgeted on his chair, panicking.

“I... I know him since he was eleven. To me, he _is_ young. I’ve always seen him like a little brother, I can't believe that...” he paused, unable to breathe steadily.

Hikaru sighed again, more theatrically, getting up from the chair and standing in front of him. He put a hand on his face, looking straight into his eyes.

“Yuya, don’t tell me you don’t know how Chinen is. You know his parents are hardly ever home, that he’s always been on his own and that he has a tendency to get close to those older than him. You’ve always been there for him, you’ve always let him have anything he wanted, so I don’t understand why it sounds so weird to you that in time he might’ve developed something different from friendly feelings.” he explained, his voice steady.

Takaki licked his lips, feeling them suddenly dry.

It made no sense.

He wished he could’ve kept not believing it, but Kota’s words before and Hikaru’s now were slowly convincing him of how blind he had been until now.

“Do I have to tell him?” he murmured in the end, looking dead serious.

“About us?” Yaotome asked, and the elder nodded. “It’s your choice whether to tell him or not, you’ve got to do what you think it’s right. But keep in mind that you can’t hide it forever.” he said, then he smile seeing the frown on his boyfriend’s face. He hugged him. “Don’t worry, I'm sure it’s going to be fine. Chinen’s not stupid.” he tried to reassure him, while Yuya hugged him back, his hold too tight on the younger’s back.

He didn’t like this.

He had always tried to make Chinen happy, no matter the situation, even when his requests were absurd.

He had tried to protect him, even though Yuri had always said he didn’t need any help, because he knew him well, he knew his pride, and he had always been there to support him without letting him know it.

The thought of having to speak face to face with him, having to tell him about his relationship with Hikaru... the thought of having to be, for once, the one to hurt him, made him feel sick.

He loosened the hug and stood up, bringing his breakfast back on the counter.

His already little appetite had disappeared altogether.

 

~

 

Once he had arrived at the studios, he almost hadn't been able to look Yuri in the eyes.

He had greeted them all, then he had basically ignored them and had retreated to a corner, all taken in his thoughts, waiting for the filming to begin. From time to time, he threw a glance at the youngest of them.

Yuya was in love with Hikaru, there was no doubt about it. Them getting together had just been the natural course of things, a normal consequence to a friendship which had always had something more to it.

But even if there hadn't been him, nothing would’ve changed. Looking at Yuri, he was even surer he could’ve never managed to see him as a... he didn’t even want to think about the word ‘man’, it clashed too hard with Yuri’s still childish features, with his thin body, with that freshness he brought along with him.

Right then the younger raised his eyes, meeting Yuya’s. Takaki sighed when he saw him get up and walk toward him.

“Hi, Yuuyan.” he told him, with the usual look on his face faking good mood, the one he had learnt to recognize years ago.

“Hi, Chii.” he replied, lowering his eyes and trying to quickly think about an excuse to avoid talking to him.

It wasn’t the right time, he wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t sure he could stay with him without revealing there was something wrong.

Like Hikaru had said that morning, Chinen wasn’t stupid.

In the end he took a deep breath and raised his eyes on him again. Yuri looked confused, waiting for him to say something.

“Are you busy this afternoon, after the shooting?” he asked in the end, his voice calm.

Yuri got defensive.

Yuya saw it in his eyes, in the way he backed off a little and his smile seemed to fade. There was something in his voice which had tipped him off, somehow, leading him to understand he wasn’t going to like what laid behind the elder’s question.

“No, nothing particular.” he replied, diffident.

Yuya nodded slightly, then he got up.

“Do you want to do something together?” he asked, without needing to tell him there was something he needed to say to him. The younger didn’t answer right away. He frowned, staring at him as if he was trying to read his intentions, but in the end he nodded, reluctantly.

“Fine.” he said, hesitating. “Is there something wrong, Yuya?” he added then, most likely wanting to get to that afternoon prepared.

But Takaki shook his head.

“We’ll talk later, okay?” he said, stretching a smile and flicking his shoulder, walking past him and reaching the others.

He didn’t turn to look at him, but he was sure Chinen was still standing there, wondering what the hell was going on.

He knew him good enough to be aware he _hated_ not being in control.

Just as much as Yuya hated being.

 

~

 

They had been sitting at that table for what Yuya thought it felt like an eternity.

He had thrown a few glances at Yuri, and the younger had always the same look on his face.

He stared at him, careful, without blinking.

The more Yuya looked at him, the more he felt like running.

Pretending nothing had happened, pretending he hadn't heard Yabu’s and Hikaru’s words.

Staying there with him, keeping far from his mind the thought that Yuri saw him as a man, not as a friend. It hurt, maybe just as much as it hurt Yuri.

Yuya kept hoping it wasn’t real, that Chinen was going to welcome the news with a smile, telling him he was happy for him, erasing from his mind the idea he could feel something for him.

It was a feeble hope, not strong enough to try and convince himself of it.

“Is there something you wanted to tell me, Yuya?” the younger asked all of a sudden, his voice matching the coldness on his face.

Takaki couldn’t help noticing that since he had asked him to meet, since he had taken the cue that something was off, he had abandoned his usual ‘Yuuyan’.

He didn’t like that either.

He took a deep breath, knowing the time had come.

He needed to tell him, now, because he cared enough about him to know he deserved at least the truth from him.

“Yes, Chii. I thought it was better for you to know it from me. I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want to advertise it, but I want you to know, because you’re my friend.” he started, feeling a slight discomfort while saying the last words. “Hikaru and I got together.” he said then, fast and too low, but unequivocal.

He saw Yuri stiffen.

He kept staring intently at him, he didn’t want to miss any slight shift of his face or his body.

But there was nothing to see, because Chinen was frozen.

And he knew he really had no hope left.

“Say something, please.” he murmured in the end, hearing his breathing get heavy and his head spinning.

Chinen moved back on his chair a little, without tearing his eyes from him.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked, ironical. “Want me to congratulate you? Want me to say I'm happy for the two of you?” he clicked his tongue, disdainful. “I won’t, if that’s what you’re waiting for.” he leant toward him again, his eyes looking thinner. “You’ve always been next to me, Yuya. You’ve always spent your time with me, you’ve always come looking for me when I didn’t, you’ve always listened whenever I had something to talk about. Does that mean nothing, is it all in my head? What does Hikaru mean?” he spat the words as if they tasted bitter, his voice terribly close to a hiss, while every syllable pierced Yuya’s head, hurting him.

He wanted to lower his eyes, but he knew it wasn’t fair. He owed it to him to look him in the eyes.

“I... I never thought about you _that_ way, Chii. I’ve been next to you, I’ve listened to you because you’re my friend and I care for you. But I can't give you more than that, I...” his voice shivered and he paused for a moment. “I love Hikaru.” he told him, without adding he could never love him.

He saw a sudden glint in Chinen’s eye and leant toward him, putting a hand on his arm, which the other harshly pushed away.

“Don’t touch me.” he hissed. Yuya bit his lip, and slowly pulled his hand away.

“Don’t cry, please.” he begged, sure that if he had seen him shed even a single tear even the sadness he was feeling right now would’ve become unbearable.

“I'm _not_ crying.” the younger replied, loyal to his pride.

They kept still, again, staring at each other.

Yuya wished he knew what to say, what to do. Even though they had told him, even though he had seemingly accepted the fact that Yuri felt something for him, he didn’t feel prepared for this.

What could he possibly say to make him feel better?

Having always been close to him didn’t matter, not the way Chinen wanted. He had never thought he was tricking him, because he couldn’t see anything strange with what he had done up until now.

It wasn’t neither of their fault, but Yuya couldn’t help feeling guilty for that look in Yuri’s eyes.

He was angry, disappointed.

Sad, and that was the hardest thing to swallow.

“Chinen... I'm sorry.” he murmured, without daring touching him again, no matter how bad he wanted to hug him, soothe him. Because it was instinctive for him, it was natural.

It was less natural being the one who had hurt him.

“I don’t care about your sorrow.” the younger replied, in a whisper. He stood up, hesitating for a moment before looking at him again. “I'm leaving. I... I don’t want to see you.” he threw one last look at him, as if he wanted to add something, but then he seemed to change his  mind.

He grabbed his jacked and left Yuya alone at the table, unable to reply to his last statement.

He was embittered.

He wanted to stop him, tell him again and again how sorry he was, until the younger was going to believe him.

That he loved him, that he cared about their bond, even though it was never going to lead to what the younger wanted.

He felt as if something had just finished.

They would’ve gone on as if nothing had happened, because Yuya didn’t want to remember and Yuri had already compromised his pride enough to allow himself any remonstrance.

He knew they weren’t going to see each other as much as before, that the younger wasn’t going to come look for him like in the past.

That his ‘I don’t want to see you’ wasn’t going to be temporary. That Chinen was going to cut ties, trying to move on, but without forgetting.

And Yuya wasn’t going to forget either.

He had always given the right worth to everything, and just like he knew how much Yuri was worth to him, he also knew what he felt now that he was aware of what Yuri felt for him, and how much he had been forced to hurt him.

He knew what it meant to lose him.

All he could do was hope it was going to pass somehow, because it was the best thing he could desire for Yuri.

For him to forget about Yuya, even having him always there with him.

To forget about what he felt, turning it into a mistake he had made.

For Yuya to become a part of his past, the one that doesn’t last.

The one that, years from now, was going to be blurred, the one he was going to be able to smile about.

Yuya felt his heart clenching at the thought; he didn’t like the idea that Chinen might come to the conclusion that he wasn’t important, but he was going to accept it nonetheless, if it meant for Yuri to be serene.

Because Yuya wasn’t going to be there to make him feel better; he was going to slip away from his life.

All he cared was for the younger to realize he hadn't hurt him willingly, that he was in pain too, that even though what Yuya felt wasn’t love, that didn’t mean the years spent together meant nothing.

Resigned to become just a memory, he just hope he wasn’t going to be reduced to the memory of the pain he caused him.

Chinen wasn’t stupid.

He was smart, even more than he cared to show.

Yuya wished for his intelligence not to be tarnished by that cursed feeling, because he had his limits too.

They had stopped there, that afternoon.

Yuya trusted Yuri, and he knew he was going to go on.

 

 


End file.
